your first chicago winter.

ashten,

you've been in chicago for three months as of yesterday, and you're unstoppable. I see how you're living large at twenty two, and I wish I had had the gumption to throw myself into living in this city like you have.

...but that's all about to change.

winter is coming.

each winter I promise myself that it will be my last. I wish I had known what I was getting into. in actuality, I wouldn't have believed it. coming from Texas, below freezing didn't exist for me. snow brought the welcome excuse to get out of school. I was obsessed with coats not because of the fashion, but because of the novelty. (a wool peacoat? who needs that. it's 60 degrees outside in december in Texas.) Most, if not all, of my christmas memories don't include big fat puffy snowflakes on my tongue -- they are of me riding on my tricycle in my bathing suit, licking a cherry creamsicle.

there are no christmas creamsicles in chicago.

Here's what you need to know. 

CLOTHES

 

 Boots: you need a pair of ass-kicking, waterproof boots. boots that have traction and that will hold up to snow piles over your knees. none of these Uggs. you'll WANT to wear them, but you'll slip and fall on your ass. for the first whole year, I wore rainboots and three pairs of socks each day. I just regained feeling in my toes from that winter

Laundry in Winter: having a washer and dryer in your apartment in Texas is a given. having a washer and dryer down the block is Chicago is a dream. for us in our current apartment, you will have to do laundry during the winter, no matter how hard you try not to. and you will need to suit up to get it. and sometimes you might need to shovel snow to get to the basement. 

Layers: The first time I saw that it was going to be a windchill of -20 degrees, I just stood and stared at the TV, wide-eyed. what does that even feel like? what does one WEAR for negative twenty below? I decided to step outside only in my pajamas to feel it....just one step. immediately, I turned around on my heels and darted back inside. was it a faux pas to wear every single piece of clothing I owned? 

you will end up carrying a change or two of clothes around with you at all times. you will have your inside clothes (flats for work, ruffly tops for work...) and you will have your outside clothes (coats that would make the Michelin man blush, two pairs of socks under your knee high boots, leggings to wear under your pants...) you will never be comfortable in winter - you will either always be too hot or too cold.  

Long Coats: your happiness is directly related to how warm your crotch is. there is no shame in buying a coat that resembles a sleeping bag. no one wants an icy vagina.  

The Power of the Glove: at times, I've caught myself wearing two pairs of gloves. this will be annoying to you because you have an iphone. don't worry about texting, and worry more about keeping warm enough to stay alive. no joke. and always wear a hat and a scarf. hats make a world of difference. sometimes hats won't match your scarf, and sometimes you'll have two mismatched gloves, and that's okay. you can always turn a glove inside out to make a glove for that one glove that lost its mate. always keep a pair of gloves with you, in case you lose yours in the snow. you'll appreciate it when you do.

 

Wet Hair: wet hair means frozen hair. trust me on this one. your hair can break off. like, O-F-F off. 

Smoking: if you smoke now, you won't in the winter. everyone quits in the winter. you want warmth over the nicotine. but, if you do brave smoking outside, designate a pair of gloves as your "smoking gloves." if not, your hands will smell like smoke for the rest of your days. 

Salt: you will find yourself with these funny white lines all over your boots, shoes, coats and pants. and yes Virginia, they're salt lines. salt is the only thing that will melt ice outside. but it will stay on your boots until you shine them.

BE AWARE:

Snow: the first snow is magical. then it just keeps coming. and gets muddy. and gets grey and brown. and you can see exactly where your neighbor's dog or your resident street homeless man has peed. then the snow is not so magical anymore. 

Static Electricity: it's real. it exists. and it was the bane of my existence. you will shock everything with your fingertips. passing credit cards at the bar, turning off lights in the apartment...everything. also, static electricity can travel through your puffy jacket coat pocket into your ipod buds and shock you inside your ears. that could be the worst feeling ever. 

Shoveling Snow: I thought it would be effortless. shoveling snow seems so fun in pictures. families laughing. piling themselves into the big snow piles that they just created by clearing their sidewalk. that's a lie. shoveling snow is like shoveling mud. your heart races under the strain, you get sweaty underneath your puffy coat, but you'll freeze if you shovel with bare arms. you were lied to.

Black Ice: I was first introduced to black ice in Buffalo, NY after I fell on my ass out of no where in a parking lot. this stuff is sneaky. patches of black ice look like puddles of water, but they're slicker than owl shit. once you stepped on black ice, there's no stopping you from falling and landing on your ass. you won't be sure what hurts worse -- the melon sized bruise forming on your tailbone, or your pride. 

Winter Winds: if you didn't know, Chicago is called the 'windy city' NOT because of the wind, but because of the politicians. but no one seemed to clue in mother earth about that. the tall building serve as funnels for the wind and, if you're anywhere near the lake, you can be fighting winds up to 40 mph on any given day.

Falling Ice: I thought this was bullshit when I first saw the signs on Michigan Ave...until I saw a chunk of ice the size of a microwave crash down from the 90th floor of the John Hancock Center to the ground 10 feet in front of me. tall buildings are especially susceptible to ice build up on their top floors. and when the ice falls, it won't stop until it hits the ground or a person. I live in a constant state of fear entering work from the first frost until June. 

Darkness Falls: it gets dark in Chicago by 4pm in the winter. so, with you working at Starbucks and Steppenwolf, I'm pretty sure you won't see the sun for four months.

Pipes Freezing: you'll think to yourself: "I'll save money on the gas bill when I head home to Texas for Christmas. I'll turn off the heat. why should I heat an empty apartment?" and you'll think wrong. water in your pipes will freeze, bursting your pipes and spraying water all over your apartment. I thought I was being cost-effective my first winter by turning off my heat. I ended up having to frantically call my landlord from Texas when my mother found out what I had done.

Gas/Heating Bill: Never had a monthly gas bill that totaled over $300 before? that will shortly change. no matter HOW LOW you keep the heat--no matter how many nights you go to bed feeling like a Popsicle....you'll still have to pay this much. this is a giant mystery to all Chicagoans. 

Heaters and Electric Blankets: get one. of each. I'm not kidding. at any given time in the winter, I have both my electric blanket on high and my space heater on high. the heaters on the CTA train platforms will be a lifesaver. remember how Chicago is windy? It's windier on train tracks. you'll accidentally make it to second base with all the other people crammed under the CTA heater, but it's worth it. occasionally, you'll get the feeling like you're a french fry shoved in the box, being kept warm by the harsh glow of the heater above. and, you'll be right. it's a lot like that. 

Cracked Lips and Fingertips: No matter how many times you apply chapstick or how many gloves you wear, your skin will crack because of the icy winds. invest in vaseline. use it like you're getting paid to use it. 

Street Cleaning/Snow Plowing: this is a great use of Chicago tax money. truly. unless you don't drive, and it's the biggest pain in the ass. snow plows do just that....plow snow. but they plow snow onto the sidewalks. snow piles from drifts and plows can reach over 7 feet tall. a 7 foot tall mountain that you have to scale in 10 seconds if you want to catch that departing #145 bus. and lord help you if you get caught in a CTA glass bus stop when the snow plows come by. you'll be caught in a world of muddy, snowy hurt. 

Blizzards: blizzards are Chicago's excuse to get drunk. and get drunk we do. sometimes the power goes out. sometimes the gas goes off. sometimes your internet and cable are down, and the only thing that is keeping you sane is that bottle of gin and a puzzle. I came up with fifty names for the blizzard of 2011 in my drunken haze, including "Snowtorious I.C.E" and "Blizznasty." also, don't scoff when someone tells you there will be a blizzard. buy toilet paper, ramen, and booze. I laughed when people told me to stock up for the impending blizzard. then, three days later, I found myself using brightly printed birthday napkins to wipe my ass. I had no diet coke, no food, and no will to live.

it seems like a lot. and it is. and I know I'm missing really important things to remind you. but, think of the bright side -- there are only two seasons in Chicago: winter and construction.

welcome to chicago, smash. :)